Zookeeper and Three Boys

There were three boys at the zoo and the zookeeper came up to them and asked for their names and what they were trying to do. The first boy said, ''My name is Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions.'' The second boy said, ''My name is Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions.'' The third boy said, ''My name is Peanuts.''



Another Dumb Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''






Bill Gates in Hell

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.St. Peter said to his, Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.He said to St. Peter, What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?Peter replied, That was just the screen saver.







Things You Know Because of TV

1.If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises
wearing their most revealing underwear.

2.If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3.All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a
woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

4.All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

5.It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control
tower to talk you down.

6.Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

7.The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever
think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the
building without difficulty.

8.You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of
showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.

9.Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

10.The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11.People of TV never finish their drinks.

12.A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince
when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

13.The chief of police is always black.

14.When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just
grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

15.If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

16.Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

17.During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least
once.

18.Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

19.Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

20.Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.


21.A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

22.If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

23.Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

24.Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of
visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

25.All single women have a cat.

26.Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

27.Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the
steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

28.One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

29.Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

30.If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating
the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

31.Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

32.It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

33.During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are
speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

34.When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be
clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

35.Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

36.Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are
deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

37.When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

38.Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

39.No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

40.If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm
that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

41.You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.

42.Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

43.Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

44.Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

45.All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

46.It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

47.Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun
away. You can always buy a new one.

48.Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

49.A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

50.If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.







English Signs Abroad
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be
unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more
persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict
rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor

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